During the most desperate times in my life, when It was impossible for me to “fix” anything (and I, in fact, had messed up ALOT), I clung to the pages of God’s Word, and called out to Him, asking questions, then, looking for His answers, in His Word, in Christian song lyrics and radio programs, in sermons, in my heart, and all around me, like someone searching for gold nuggets in a valley, etched between mountains.
I kept a prayer/ conversation journal, jotting down my deepest questions and concerns, as well as, verses that spoke something to me, like a blind person, tapping their cane, helplessly, along a labyrinth of stone walls, looking for the opening to a cave. Very specific answers came, repeated, over and over again, within a few hours to a few days, from multiple sources. It was like God’s boot camp, both grueling and exhilarating, lasting weeks, months, sometimes years.
Over time, it was as though I could almost “expect” to hear an answer to each successive question, “expect” to see my ever more boldly specific prayer, for the next impossible, but, desperately-needed answer, to arrive. When I could do n.o.t.h.i.n.g to solve situation after situation, for one reason or another, I would speak in my spirit to God, and things were worked out to perfection, for everyone and everything that I prayed for, including things that could not have even been foreseen, along the way. Slowly, but surely, my trust and confidence in God grew, from being as tiny as a grain of volcanic dust, into a calm inner assurance.
Finally, the day came when it seemed as though the still, small Voice of the Holy Spirit of God spoke to me, and whispered in my soul, “Remember this feeling of total and complete trust that you have, right at THIS moment, because [from here forward], you won’t always see Me answer. In fact, it will sometimes look like things grow worse, instead. But, I want you to have THIS SAME CONFIDENCE IN ME THAT YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW.”
I have never forgotten it. I slip, sometimes often, but I stand up again (even if only inside, at times). I know that GOD IS, and He loves me.